My attempt at fiction

Well, I just haven't had a lot to write. I have no kids to write interesting stories about, I'm on spring break (no complaints!), and it's just sort of business as usual. My dad told me I should make up a totally fake post, so here it is:

While sitting in the local coffee house, a casting agent (in town to see Isabel Allende, coming to speak this Friday [true]) caught my eye. My winning smile made her walk over to chat with me. Her name was Molly Hamilton, and she said she'd been working on a pilot for a sitcom that involved a slightly wacky teacher and her life. What a stroke of luck that I, in real life, am a teacher and have been known for acts of wackitude. Tears actually filled her eyes that she had wandered into this particular coffee house on this particular day and caught my eye. This led to a somewhat lengthy sidebar discussion about fate. Well, we talked it over and I realized that I couldn't do the pilot because 1) I refused to move to the west coast and 2) I didn't want my life to be the crazy schedule of a working actress, no matter how much the salary was. Plus I wasn't sure if Penny would like it. However, Molly begged and pleaded with me to give her something to work with because she felt I was a major talent just waiting for discovery. I mentioned my love of cartoons and, to my delight, she told me that she had a voice tailor-made for my wackiness that I could do from home. Thus, I will now juggle doing a cartoon voice and teaching. It's one of those prime time cartoons like The Simpsons but with a different twist that will somehow differentiate it from the other cartoons out there. The show is called Binkie's World of Whimsy, and it has nothing to do with the actual premise of the show, which I cannot reveal to you because I'm now under contract. I do not play Binkie; I play Binkie's sister, Adelaide. Do not call me Addie--there will be an entire episode later on involving my dislike of this nickname. We're hoping to get an Emmy nomination. Thus I am living out my dream of teaching by day and, on the occasional afternoon and weekend, taping my voice as a cartoon character for a potentially ground-breaking show. Plus I get the perks of fame (salary, easy-to-get restaurant reservations, occasional fan mail) without the harrassment of paparazzi.

Look for it in September on ABC!

It was a dark and stormy night

Has anyone ever heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest? It's a contest to write the worst possible opening to a novel, based on the title above from Edward George Bulwer-Lytton's book Paul Clifford. They made books of the winners from the 80s and now a new one has come out. I've listed the site of the 2006 winners, although the actual site is www.bulwer-lytton.com. Some of these are HILARIOUS. Here's the winner:

"Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean."

Jim Guigli, Carmichael, CA


Enjoy!