The writing on the wall (or the paper)

I wrote about this to dear Yum, so I apologize for her having to read this twice. As I made a grocery list the other day, I had the funny thought pop into my head that I like the look of my handwriting. I like how I make my As and that my Ss have a slight upward line with the S at the end of a word, making that cursive loop. I thought about how handwriting marks a person almost as intimately as a fingerprint--one person's handwriting may look like another's, but it's individual to that person. Heck, people study handwriting to see others' tendencies and personality traits. Do your letters slant forward or backward? Do your Gs and Ys go straight down, or do they loop? Is the loop closed or open? Do you write in cursive, print, or a mixture of the two? How close together do you make your letters? You know what I mean. I had a third grade teacher who had the most perfect, round, exact hand-writing--Mrs. McGennis. T and I both had her as a teacher, and we attended her retirement party a few years ago. Within a week, a letter arrived in the mail; I didn't even have to look at the return address. She'd written us, thanking us for coming. We kept the letter, partially because of the sweet gesture, and partly because of that handwriting. Anyone who ever had her in 37 years of teaching would know it.

This is also why so many different fonts exist to try--we try to maintain that individuality somehow, hoping that we don't all have to conform to Times New Roman, Arial, or Verdana. Has anyone noticed the handwriting fonts out there, too? They have lots of cursive and ones that sort of look like similar, but it's still someone else's version of what's mine. And they don't always work with every site and every person, so the attempt at creativity in writing sometimes gets roadblocked, and we're forced to use what's available. I also wonder what will happen to our fine motor skills if we start typing everything. This veers dangerously into my rant on how we have too many screens in our lives--TV, laptop, smartphone, Kindle--but I just want to make sure that J learns how to write his name and wield a pen to make his mark, as it were. It goes to nostalgia, too--100 years from now, will my grandkids look at my e-mails? My blog posts? My writing says a lot about who I am and how I think, but I don't see it the same way as looking at actual writing--it seems far more personal. It just urges me to keep using that muscle at the bottom of my right index finger, nestled up next to my thumb joint. Keep my individuality a bit as the typeface tries to pigeonhole me.

P.S. Don't think I don't appreciate the irony that I typed this whole post. ;-) However, in its original form, I did hand-write it, so there.

New directions

Interesting...started a new job today and realized just how much I moved around as a teacher--always crowds of people, always on the go, moving, moving, moving. I feel so grateful to have employment again, but I also miss the pace a bit. I've done the office gig before, but it's been so long that I'd forgotten the solo-ness that can occur. Granted, I'm one of two proofreaders and they have to have enough work to go around. I also have an inkling that this job consists of feast or famine--even today I had a piece I had to look over within a certain time frame because someone else needed it by a certain time. I think I just expected something different, more steady. It probably sounds like I'm complaining, and I don't mean to. One's expectations don't always meet the reality. The people I've met so far seem nice and helpful, which certainly doesn't always happen. Plus this may well lead to something more, and it's always good to say to a future (full-time!) employer, "I'm currently working at X" instead of saying I'm unemployed. 

Our daily morning walk takes us past the high school where I used to work--it's convenient and safe, especially considering we take the walk right at a time of high traffic as teachers, students, and buses come to school. I ran into one of my old colleagues who asked me why in the world I would subject myself to this route at this time. But it's been over a year, and I kind of like running into people I know. Plus, the whole safety and convenience factor outweigh any residual feelings I might have harbored (although sometimes if Penny looks like she's going to make a drop, a tiny part of me wants to leave it there...but I DON'T, don't worry). J gets to see the big school buses and we sing "The Wheels on the Bus", he sees the kids, who often smile at him, and it's fine. However, I did like this morning that we had to hustle so I could get to my job. That was nice.

Sorry for the delay

OK, sooooo. Yeah. Unexpected, unintentional hiatus. Sorry.

There's no real reason for it, other than those I've written before. Every time I think of posting, I feel I should use the computer for job searches instead. Or I worry I have nothing to write about because I lead a quiet little life, mostly just me and J and a night out or two. I could bore you to tears with the wonder that I think J is, what with him almost exclusively walking now and giving me hugs and slowly starting to add more gestures and words. He climbs up and down the stairs, can get up on the couch, and has discovered the thrill of pulling books off the shelves. Whoops, there I go again.... Because of the generosity of grandparents, J starts day care twice a week next week. It'll be good for him, hard and good for me. I bet Tuesday will find me slightly blubbery, but I've wanted to get him with other little folks for a while, and this is a good way to do it.

So, I'm going to try to post more, and if you're patient and stick with me, I'll give some good tidbits.

One

My darling boy,

One year ago, after a surprising ultrasound, a phone conference with the OB, and anesthesia and a little surgery for your mommy, you came into our lives. The memory of your birth, hazy yet somehow crystal clear, will remain with me always. How they held you up so I could see you, how I murmured how beautiful you were, how your grandparents came in right after and we all cried and marveled at your face and your funny little toes, crowded on top of each other. You were healthy and you were ours. The day before, we were expecting. That day, we earned new names, new roles, new lives.

                                  

Right after that, quite unexpectedly, I lost my job. Here we were, brand-new parents, not knowing which end was up, and we got thrown a curveball of massive proportions. Your daddy acted as a tower of strength, taking care of absolutely everything as I recovered and we figured out how to live with this tiny person. Sure, we had all the diapers, the clothes, the bottles...but we had no real idea, as all novice parents feel. It reminds me of the movie Juno when, as adoptive mama Jennifer Garner held the newborn baby in her arms, she asked Allison Janney awkwardly, "How do I look?" and she replied, "Like a new mom: Scared shitless." Sounds right.

Thank goodness we had such wonderful family and friends to help...Mimi came over every day to vacuum, do laundry, help bathe and change you, let me take naps, and show me how to be a mom as we bonded in a new way as mother and daughter. CiCi brought food and hand-knit sweaters for her first little "ownty-own" grandson, and she stayed over for the first two nights so we could get some sleep, singing and walking the floor with you in the middle of the night.

Our friend M came over and even spent the night as well the third night you were home, also letting us get some much-needed sleep...and taught me to pedal your wee legs to relieve your tummy bubbles. I felt so terrible that I didn't know and she simply replied, "Well, why would you?", reminding me that I would simply learn as I went, asking many, many questions. Aunt M, five months ahead of the game with your cousin C, was invaluably helpful with those myriad questions. I felt so relieved that she'd gone through it first so she could blaze the trail! At six weeks my Colgate girls descended and pampered us all weekend, holding you so I could sleep, making me laugh, feeding us, and wrapping me in their love and friendship like a cozy, warm quilt. 

I'm sure I've forgotten to mention people...how lucky I feel to have so many supporters that I can't remember them all.

As you grew, your eyes turned from indigo to their beautiful bright blue, we made it through cradle cap and acid reflux, and you slept through the night earlier than Daddy and I will ever tell anyone. You went from rolling over to crawling to cruising the furniture--we know you'll walk any day now, and it's both thrilling and terrifying. From the first time you got an arm out of your swaddle, earning the nickname "Teeny Houdini", we knew you'd be a busy boy! You sing to yourself and us, and nothing delights you more than Penny, your protector and playmate. A simple sneeze from her puts you in hysterical laughter, breaking us up as well. You know Papa now on Skype, trying your hardest to crawl into the laptop to get to him. Even though you don't talk yet, we know you understand a lot. You're still a little shy and have just begun to receive cousin C's rather exuberant hugs without crying, but you just need to go at your own pace.

You immediately charmed all of your relatives, from stoic Uncle R and Grandpa R to Great-Grandma M, from the East to West Coast. You bring out the gentle side in everyone, sweetie.

I think one of my favorite parts of this past year has been watching you with Daddy. His combination of gentleness and strength make me love him even more than I did before you were born, sweet baby J. You squeal with happiness when he flips you upside-down (to the horror of all grand and great-grandparents), and you love to take weekend naps with your little body flung across his chest. I understand the feeling--he's great at making us feel safe and warm and protected.

So, dearest man, happy first birthday. I never realized how boundless love was until I had you...because just when I think I can't love you any more, you do something to make that feeling grow. Watching you grow has been one of the greatest gifts I will ever receive.

love,
Mama

344 and Counting

In three short weeks, J will turn one. ONE. When I look back on these last 344 days, I can't believe how much we've gone through and how much kindness has come our way. I admit when I lost my job a scant five days after giving birth, I felt absolutely terrified. The raging hormones didn't help, nor did my feeling like a complete novice as a new mother (no, nobody ever told me about pedaling/pumping poor baby J's legs to help with gas. WHY NOT?!?). T and my parents took care of absolutely everything, including T getting our health insurance taken care of in two days so we didn't lose coverage. Our parents came by daily, offering food, support, and another pair of arms. I couldn't do anything strenuous, post- surgery, so my mom did laundry, vacuumed, and cleaned when T was at work (he did quite a lot of the housework as well). My sister M and various other friends called with mommy advice and just kept me sane. I cannot begin to express my gratitude during those first few weeks, challenging with a new baby anyway, on top of the extra wrinkle added to our lives.

Since then we've made a lot of mistakes but a lot of progress as well. We've learned what we can do with and without; again, our parents have been generous with their time and support. We got creative in terms of gifts and stayed on a budget, one I suspect we'll keep to a great extent once I finally have a job. Looking for work has made me examine my other interests, as I've written before, and consider a career outside of teaching. I have definitely had (too many) "Why me?" and "It's not fair!" moments where I wondered how in God's name I could distinguish myself from the 100 applicants for the same position. If only they'd let me get to the interview portion, I could just show them. No, I don't have the exact requisite skills you want, but see how my skills I do have can transfer over? Total strangers I've met or e-mailed  through mutual connections have helped me with resumes and job suggestions; again, I feel so grateful for their help. They didn't need to help an unknown, yet they did.

I've looked at jobs I wouldn't have even considered before because personal pride simply has no place in my life right now: I need a job for financial and, frankly, social reasons. I want to start building our nest egg back up, and I've loved spending time with J. It's a gift that I'm so lucky to have had. I just need to interact with adults in a job setting again, too. I know full well that I'll look back on this time wistfully one day, but both J and I need a little socialization!

So we'll see what comes next. Immediately, my sister's wedding next weekend. I'll focus on J when his birthday comes around. This post is about me. It's been a hard year, but I honestly wouldn't trade it because it's been a wonderful year in myriad ways as well. I have my sweet boys, a wonderful family, good friends, and a lot that others don't. It's all about perspective.

Choose Your Own Title!

I don't know what to call this post. Besides, it has to be quick because I've installed LeechBlock to bar me from this site until 4pm every weekday so I don't screw around on the computer. Yes, I have to self-ban myself. It starts at 9, so I have seven minutes. And yes, I should probably start it at 8:30.

Not much to report, just lots of J updates in terms of him starting swimming (I'll post pics) and loving it almost as much as we love watching him love it. He's also begun standing by himself, so I better put that baby gate up at the top of the stairs, pronto. He's begun babbling quite a bit, too: lots of "da-da-da" and "ma-ma-ma" on repeat, and general chirping. We find it adorable. Of course.

Job search is...ongoing. If you have any leads, please let me know. I've got a few nibbles, but June 25 is fast approaching, and that's our self-imposed deadline for me to get something because that's when J begins day care. We have a back-up plan if I don't find something, so don't worry. The frustrating part is distinguishing myself from the 100+ others who apply for the same (ONE) position--if I could get in front of the interview folks, I could dazzle the hell out of them with my skills and charm. It's just getting to that point that's the real job (haha).

I have two minutes, so I'll wrap up. More later on a website I found that teaches one how to run a home like a business for sanity and streamlining purposes!

odd and ends

Whoa, so it's been longer than I thought. Every time I go to update, I feel I should do something else, so I don't, but here I am, rectifying my wrongs, I tell you.

Last night T and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. We did so by going to an engagement party for my sister, E (nicknamed C, so I'll refer to her as such) and her fiance, J, and a delicious dinner with my family and family friends. At first I admit I felt a little wary of spending our anniversary focusing on someone else, but then I got out of my own head and realized how special it was to celebrate five years of our marriage by watching my dear sister and future BIL embark on their own, remembering where we were and how we felt, as well as what we've done in such a short span of time. Plus I (just) managed to fit into the dress I wore at our engagement party, so that gave me a great feeling of accomplishment. What made the evening even more notable was that the hosts held the event at the same place T and I had our wedding reception, so we had a lovely time reminiscing, and many of the guests last night also attended our wedding, so the whole night had a real full-circle feel to it.

Recently I listened to Jason Segel talk about his new movie, The Five-Year Engagement, and he made a surprisingly thoughtful point: When people say "I do", too many say it to a moment, not a life. They don't think of all the difficult times they'll go through, the vicissitudes that make up a marriage. I suppose I knew, to some extent, that marriage wouldn't be all rainbows and happy times, but any relationship between two people that is meant to last, legally bound or not, means volumes of work. Anyone who claims a good relationship means you don't have to work at it, I must disagree. But the couple has to work together toward the same end. We do that, and some days, we find it extremely difficult. Yet we know we want a life together, so we plug away, and we talk, and we argue, and we compromise, and here we are, five years later, looking to see what the next fifty-five will bring.

What do you all find has helped you the most in your relationship with your significant other? What's made it work so far?