I want to thank my friend M for giving me this tip:
Do any of you get the terrible, teary, burning, sting-y eyes that I get when slicing onions? I've tried burning a candle, clamping my mouth shut the whole time, you name it. Those methods work partially, but it all usually ends up with me screwing my eyes up in pain, staggering around the kitchen, and making inarticulate squawks as I lunge at my face with a towel, desperately trying to appease my poor eyeballs.
So here's the deal: Take a slice of throw-away bread (you know, not the nice stuff) and bite gently down on it so most of it is hanging out of your mouth while you cut the onion. The bread absorbs all the onion fumes because it's so porous, and voila!, just like Johnson's, no more tears! No NOTHING! Just chuck the oniony smelling bread, into the compost heap, of course.
Ta-daaaaaaah! You're welcome.