Sunday, August 28, 2011

Closing a chapter

This week I packed up the last of my belongings from my previous job.  T picked them up on Friday and brought them home.  I don't work there anymore.  Since I live so close, it makes my feelings for the place...complex.  Yesterday as I walked the dog and baby, I saw kids getting ready for morning football practice.  One of them called out to me and asked about the baby, gave me a big smile.  It made me smile, but it'll take a little while to get used to the fact that that will not be a part of my life anymore.  Of course, that has its merits--no longer will I have to worry that I'll know the cashier at Rite Aid when I have to buy something personal.  That has actually happened more than once. 

I think the packing brought into sharp clarity that fear I mentioned from my last post--we have a newborn, I'm on unemployment, will we have enough to live on, will I become too expensive to hire because I ironically have too much experience....Nope.  Can't go down that road.  So I will try to look at this as a positive.  I feel so lucky that I'm getting this time to spend with my dear little man.  I don't regret a day of that.  This may give me the chance to try something different, something outside of teaching.  And I never quite felt comfortable at my job, honestly.  I don't want to get too far into it, but I never felt like I truly belonged.  This just gives me new opportunities, and I will try to take advantage of as many of them as I can.


Well, it's a bit more of the same, although summer's coming to a close and I don't have a job yet, and frankly, that's scary.  I do have an interview, so I'm hopeful, but I don't even want to write any more about it...superstitious, you know.  I have a tendency to find things to worry about...I don't know if this is just part of my personality or inherited (my mom does spring to mind) or what, but for some reason I sometimes will think of ways that something won't work instead of looking on the bright side.  But as T pointed out, the only way we can think is positively because anything else becomes self-defeating.  We have a beautiful, healthy baby boy, and I give thanks for that miracle every day.  So as long as I remember the great things I do have and think in terms of when I'll get a job, we'll do just fine.  I think in this economy I have to play Pollyanna a bit, plus work hard to make my own luck.  That's the fine but important difference between expecting something good to happen and making something good happen.  I realized that if I think of my life right now in terms of doing for us and not for me, it gives me more impetus to get things done.

I apologize if this seems rambly; these thoughts have swirled around in my head for quite some time now, and I've just gotten the opportunity to give voice to them.  Bottom line, if I live my life fearing what bad things might happen, not as much good will happen, either.

Baby J has begun smiling more.  He rolls to the side and his little face lights up when I get him out of bed in the morning.  We've begun going for more morning walks with him in the Ergo; he tends to fall asleep and drool all over me.  I love it. 

Saturday, August 13, 2011

New Mom Thoughts

So I have a few minutes, and I thought I'd write.  A few baby updates:

- He has begun gurgling, cooing, and smiling.  It's so thrilling I don't know how to express it.  He started at about five weeks (he's 6 and a half now--WOW) and T and I spend half our time just watching him and making noises back.  Cheap and wonderful entertainment, folks.  I truly love it.

- He weighs over 11lbs and sleeps well.  I don't even want to write more about it for fear he'll suddenly develop colic and scream for hours a day, poor little colicky babies.

- Apparently, the child likes funk and soul but not classic rock:  The Who came on and he began to cry, so we switched to The Spinners and he quieted right down.

- First official outing:  Taste Coffee House the next town over.  He slept the whole time.  It was very exciting.

- He's begun truly looking at things, especially this painting in our living room and the turtle mobile in his pack-n-play.  They don't even move and he gurgles at them like mad.

I'm writing this down partially for me...haven't begun a baby book yet and I know if I don't write these things somewhere, I'll forget.  So I apologize, but consider yourselves privileged that you're part of the record of his young life.

Recently I joined a parent group in my area--the Internet is a wonderful tool.  I realized I needed to meet some other moms in the area and this is the modern way to do it.  I knew they had to be out there; the schools wouldn't be so damned overcrowded otherwise.  Went to my first meeting at the one woman's house the other day, and it just felt nice to make myself part of a network of other women like me, at least in terms of having kids.  They all seemed quite nice and the group has TONS of outings.  The coordinator also pointed out that even if an event was geared toward older kids for me to come anyway and just hang out with the parents...that's part of the reason for the group.  I'm glad she reminded me of that.  I don't always reach out or ask for help when I need it, so I end up alone far too often.  I've written about this before: I'm not an unfriendly person, but I think I wait sometimes for opportunities to meet other people to present themselves instead of making the opportunity myself or seeking one out. So I'm making attempts and seeing what I can do to pull myself out of...myself.  I'm trying to make more calls to friends and keep connections going.

It's interesting: In a recent issue of Real Simple, I read an article on how to be a better friend.  It had suggestions from various experts and then the last one came from a nine year-old girl.  She pointed out that she has all day at school to see her friends, but adults don't have that and they need to do a better job of seeing their friends.  Talk about a case of out of the mouths of babes....