Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Getting the lead out

I've been pondering something lately that's always nagged me slightly, even though I know it shouldn't.  I've been at my job for the last four years, and I try to be friendly with everyone because that's just who I am.  I have people I've become friendly with, but I've never managed to find anyone I truly click with, and I don't know why.  While I realize this is the insecure part of me that I've always tried to whittle away, and I know I'm a good person and friend, that small part of me wonders why it hasn't happened.  And it makes me wonder if I'm in the right place.  Do I really want to stay somewhere where I'm just considered a "nice person" but where I'm never entirely going to fit?  Should that matter?  I like many of the people I work with, and they're dedicated to their students and their jobs in a way I genuinely respect.  I have good bosses and a good relationship with my students.  So what's the problem, really? 

I think it's that part of me sees my colleagues forming friendships and having inside jokes and conversations I wish I had at work.  I have wonderful friends outside of work who support me and make my life amazing.  Yet, perhaps because of the nature of the job, having a buddy seems helpful and a little necessary.  I don't know where I'm going with this at all; I just thought I'd finally give voice to it, get it out.  It's the end of the school year, I'm a scant 25 days away from my due date, I'm tired and hot, and my defenses are down.  But I'm not sorry I wrote this. 


Leslie said...

I know our jobs are very different, but I have a similar situation. I LIKE a lot of the people I work with, and we occasionally have some beers, but if my job ended tomorrow, I'm not sure I'd ever see them again. It's ok; these aren't the people I'd necessarily CHOOSE to be my good friends (like you are a person I've chosen), they're the people I happen to work with.
You are a loving, generous friend, and I wouldn't worry about it, as having people think of you as nice is kind of nice. You are who you are, and you are super :)

Strongmama said...

I think part of it is comfort in discomfort. I felt the same way while teaching because I always knew in the back of my mind I would be moving whenever B's schooling or job required it. And that happened three times so it got kind of old after awhile. I don't think people reached out as much as they necessarily would have if I had a set in stone future (who does really though?)I think it's especially difficult when you work in a place where most people have lived their entire lives and you're not considered "permanent." It's silly, but I think that's the way it goes. Sorry you're feeling this way too.