I've been pondering something lately that's always nagged me slightly, even though I know it shouldn't. I've been at my job for the last four years, and I try to be friendly with everyone because that's just who I am. I have people I've become friendly with, but I've never managed to find anyone I truly click with, and I don't know why. While I realize this is the insecure part of me that I've always tried to whittle away, and I know I'm a good person and friend, that small part of me wonders why it hasn't happened. And it makes me wonder if I'm in the right place. Do I really want to stay somewhere where I'm just considered a "nice person" but where I'm never entirely going to fit? Should that matter? I like many of the people I work with, and they're dedicated to their students and their jobs in a way I genuinely respect. I have good bosses and a good relationship with my students. So what's the problem, really?
I think it's that part of me sees my colleagues forming friendships and having inside jokes and conversations I wish I had at work. I have wonderful friends outside of work who support me and make my life amazing. Yet, perhaps because of the nature of the job, having a buddy seems helpful and a little necessary. I don't know where I'm going with this at all; I just thought I'd finally give voice to it, get it out. It's the end of the school year, I'm a scant 25 days away from my due date, I'm tired and hot, and my defenses are down. But I'm not sorry I wrote this.